Monday, 1 October 2012

Duracell Complaint



I was sat on my fantastic rump giving a friend an education on the Xbox until disaster struck, the batteries on the controller died on me. Sadly the shops were closed and the bank balance empty. If only I had a supply of extra batteries...

That sounded like an idea so what better way to get my hands on some freebies than putting a complaint into Duracell. Duracell is owned by Proctor and Gamble. These guys have more fingers in sticky pies than a sex pesting Goro has fingers in vaginas. Goro remember him? Mortal Kombat boss? 4 arms? FFS... This guy



Have a look at their product range, pretty extensive isn't it. These guys are big players. According to Wikipedia in 2011, P&G recorded $82.6 billion dollars in sales. Fortune magazine ranked P&G at fifth place of the "World's Most Admired Companies" list, which was up from sixth place in 2010. Procter & Gamble is the only Fortune 500 company to issue C Share common stock. Has this given you a stiffy yet? For such a large company let's see how good their customer services is...

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19/09/2012

First off I would like to state that I’ve always been a fan of your products Mr Gamble and/or Proctor. I remember when I was 18 years old and Gillette sent me a free Mach 3 razor. Sure it was a ploy to get me buying loads of expensive triple blades for it but I always appreciate a freebie and it did give a good close shave. I was student at the time so I didn’t change the blades for 6 months and that was only after an accident when I drunkenly shaven the nether regions. A freshly shaved scrotum and shaft can give the appearance of extra length and we all enjoy a haircut and looking our best I’m sure you’ll agree. The nurses at A and E were superb and you’ll be please to know that I do not hold you responsible for my stupidity from my younger days.

However, recent events have caused me no end of embarrassment. You see I bought a pack of your AA batteries from a well-known supermarket to be used to power certain devices of the bedroom. You see Mr Gamble and/or Proctor me and the missus are quite well known for the throwing of how shall we say ‘liberal parties’. These parties are a bit like swapping Panini stickers but instead of pictures of 1980’s footballers, it partners. Luck was on my side and I partnered with Mrs Churchill who even though she’s close to 40 she has a lot to offer. You see she has quite the appetite of the flesh Mr Gamble and/or Proctor. She’s a proud woman and has a particularly liking for her surname. She wanted me to role play as Winston Churchill and I did things with a cigar that would make Monica Lewinski blush. She started shouting “Ohhhh Yesh!!” like the nodding dog from the adverts. Not before long a Rabbit of the rampant nature was to make an appearance. I placed the fresh Duracell batteries from an unopened pack in it and oh how we laughed when we called it a Duracell bunny. Two minutes later and Mrs Churchill was not laughing at all. You see Mr Gamble and/or Proctor the batteries died. 120 seconds?? That’s not a life! I’ve urinated for longer than that! This was a more upsetting premature death than that of Amy Winehouse. Mrs Churchill husband is known for being premature and even he could last longer than your batteries. This is not the mark of quality I’ve come to expect from your products and it has called into question my faith in your company.

Unfortunately for me Mrs Churchill is rather violent when frustrated. Mr Gamble and/or Proctor, I had to finish her off with my Electric Oral B toothbrush. The Churchill’s are the owners of Churchill Motors. This episode has caused me no end of embarrassment and at a time when I need to trade in my vehicle. I’m now left considering whether I should ditch your products and look to power toys using energizer batteries.

I would be grateful if you could look into making amends for this avoidable sorry episode and restore my faith in what has been a trouble free relationship with your products.

Regards


Adam Henderson

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Sadly there was no reply. Not to be beaten I decided to fill out the feedback form on P & G's website. It was time to go over the head of Duracell and make the parent company aware of my issues. I copied and pasted and sent it of on 26/09/2012. Good thing too for today i received the following reply.....

27/09/2012

Dear Mr. Henderson,

Thank you for your email.

It's great to know you enjoy using our products and I'm sorry you've been recently disappointed. I can understand why your party was not a success. We do everything possible to ensure the high quality of our products and I've passed your helpful comments to our Quality Assurance Team.

I hope you'll accept the attached voucher (valid for 3 months) to put towards a future purchase and hope your next party will be satisfactory.

Thank you again for taking the time to get in touch.

Yours sincerely

Michael

CONSUMER RELATIONS DEPARTMENT.

Enclosed £5 voucher of Duracell products

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RESULT!! Emailing Duracell seems to have been a waste of time but at least the bigwigs were listening at P&G and once contacted, a speedily reply was made.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Tesco Complaint


It's said that Tesco is that big that for out of every £10 spent in the UK, £1 of it is spent in a Tesco. A 10% share of the spending power of the UK's population? in the words of Darth Vader, Impressive...very impressive. Would Tesco prove that every little helps or would my complaint fall on death ears?? There's only one way to find out!
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15/02/2012
Good Afternoon Phil Clarke and the Tesco team,
 
Now I’m not the type of chap to complain and make a scene Phil. I’ve been to house parties where I was served chilled red wine. Imagine that Phil, I’m sure you’re a cultured chap. Chilled red wine. I drank it and thanked the host. You see, I believe in good manners, even in the face of poor beverage storage etiquette. However, events last week have forced my hand Phil, and I feel it necessary to bring matters to your attention.

First off, long time fan of the Tesco brand and I think you’re worth every penny of the £6.9million pound salary you receive from the company. I’m a big fan of the club card points too. Only last week used my club card vouchers at Cineworld. The missus got to see a film for just £4, a saving of over £3 which I thought was an excellent 30th birthday present I’m sure you’ll agree.
 
However last weekend I was in your Cardiff store (Western Avenue) helping my granddad get his weekly shop. Imagine my horror when I overheard two of your shelf stackers discussing how one of them had “smashed her” and that he had “kicked her back doors in and painted it white on the way out”. I’m sure you’re a man of the world Phil, and should there be any doubt, these are rather misogynistic euphemisms. It’s a reference in regards to penetrating a lady’s rear exit, and the painting it white would be in reference to a gentleman’s climax. Now my granddad is a WW2 veteran Phil, he was an Army commando in the SBS. He doesn’t get the crude reference Phil. He’s a man who lives on an estate where vandals have been operating down alley ways breaking into garages and scrawling graffiti over people’s property. He’s a man of honour Phil, and one who doesn’t condone wife beating As you can see he took the sentence to be a literal admission of criminal damage. I had to stop him, to use his own words “knocking their blocks off”. This left me in a difficult situation, do I tell him what they meant, or do I attempt to wrestle him to the floor. Thankfully I talked him down with promises that I’d buy him his copy of the Daily Express and a large packet of Murray mints. My Granddad’s favourite films are Harry Brown and Death Wish Phil. He’s an impressionable chap who has displayed vigilantly tendencies previously and was banned from Cardiff’s Farmer’s Market over the Mad Cow Disease fiasco of the early 1990’s. I’ve had to since refuse to take him to Tesco and instead I’ve been taking him to Asda as I’m worried as to what he’d do given a chance of collaring the culprits.
 
Now I’m not the type of guy to kick off and run to the papers, it’s not my style. Kids have got to eat and I’m not in the business of trying to get people sacked. However, at least have a word, let them know they’ve been rumbled. I’m sure these two people aren’t representative of all your staff at Tesco. Unfortunately I was not able to get a good description of the two rogues although one of them did suffer from excessive acne which does make me question his rather uncouth boast as the only thing he’d paint white would be his mirror after an exceedingly productive spot popping session.
 
In the meantime, I haven’t been back to your stores and I have found myself having a look at pros and cons of Sainsbury’s nectar points. Hopefully you will be able to intervene and restore my faith in the Tesco brand.
 
Regards
 
Adam Henderson

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I really should have updated this sooner shouldn't I? Nevermind. I made one fatal error with this complaint. The whole point of the complaint is to get a reply in writing, that way it makes it very easy to show the correspondence. When I emailed the complaint I deliberately left off my mobile number. Imagine my suprise when a week after my complaint I received a call from Tesco regarding my complaint. A middle aged sounding woman advised that she fully agreed with my Granddad and that she too would have knocked the culprit's block off. She asked if she wanted me to pass on my phone number to the store manager to progress matters. I duely insisted. However nothing came of it.

The error I made was to upload my complaint and air it on Facebook and other Social Media outlets before I had my reply. My mobile number is listed on my website. A friend of mine has a friend who works at Tesco for their complaint department. Putting two and two together I dare say that that person found this website, which links to www.adamhendersoncomedian.com and they made an older member of the team contact me by phone whilst pissing themselves at how uncomfortable she was speaking with me. They then would probably have let her in on the fact that it was a pisstake afterwards.

Result?? DENIED.

Lesson learned, get the full correspondence before posting. You will be pleased to know that I am in the process of sending a complaint regarding some batteries which involves wife swapping and a shaving accident.