I was sat on my fantastic rump giving a friend an education on the Xbox until disaster struck, the batteries on the controller died on me. Sadly the shops were closed and the bank balance empty. If only I had a supply of extra batteries...
That sounded like an idea so what better way to get my hands on some freebies than putting a complaint into Duracell. Duracell is owned by Proctor and Gamble. These guys have more fingers in sticky pies than a sex pesting Goro has fingers in vaginas. Goro remember him? Mortal Kombat boss? 4 arms? FFS... This guy
Have a look at their product range, pretty extensive isn't it. These guys are big players. According to Wikipedia in 2011, P&G recorded $82.6 billion dollars in sales. Fortune magazine ranked P&G at fifth place of the "World's Most Admired Companies" list, which was up from sixth place in 2010. Procter & Gamble is the only Fortune 500 company to issue C Share common stock. Has this given you a stiffy yet? For such a large company let's see how good their customer services is...
First off I would like to state that I’ve always been a fan of your products Mr Gamble and/or Proctor. I remember when I was 18 years old and Gillette sent me a free Mach 3 razor. Sure it was a ploy to get me buying loads of expensive triple blades for it but I always appreciate a freebie and it did give a good close shave. I was student at the time so I didn’t change the blades for 6 months and that was only after an accident when I drunkenly shaven the nether regions. A freshly shaved scrotum and shaft can give the appearance of extra length and we all enjoy a haircut and looking our best I’m sure you’ll agree. The nurses at A and E were superb and you’ll be please to know that I do not hold you responsible for my stupidity from my younger days.
However, recent events have caused me no end of embarrassment. You see I bought a pack of your AA batteries from a well-known supermarket to be used to power certain devices of the bedroom. You see Mr Gamble and/or Proctor me and the missus are quite well known for the throwing of how shall we say ‘liberal parties’. These parties are a bit like swapping Panini stickers but instead of pictures of 1980’s footballers, it partners. Luck was on my side and I partnered with Mrs Churchill who even though she’s close to 40 she has a lot to offer. You see she has quite the appetite of the flesh Mr Gamble and/or Proctor. She’s a proud woman and has a particularly liking for her surname. She wanted me to role play as Winston Churchill and I did things with a cigar that would make Monica Lewinski blush. She started shouting “Ohhhh Yesh!!” like the nodding dog from the adverts. Not before long a Rabbit of the rampant nature was to make an appearance. I placed the fresh Duracell batteries from an unopened pack in it and oh how we laughed when we called it a Duracell bunny. Two minutes later and Mrs Churchill was not laughing at all. You see Mr Gamble and/or Proctor the batteries died. 120 seconds?? That’s not a life! I’ve urinated for longer than that! This was a more upsetting premature death than that of Amy Winehouse. Mrs Churchill husband is known for being premature and even he could last longer than your batteries. This is not the mark of quality I’ve come to expect from your products and it has called into question my faith in your company.
Unfortunately for me Mrs Churchill is rather violent when frustrated. Mr Gamble and/or Proctor, I had to finish her off with my Electric Oral B toothbrush. The Churchill’s are the owners of Churchill Motors. This episode has caused me no end of embarrassment and at a time when I need to trade in my vehicle. I’m now left considering whether I should ditch your products and look to power toys using energizer batteries.
I would be grateful if you could look into making amends for this avoidable sorry episode and restore my faith in what has been a trouble free relationship with your products.
Sadly there was no reply. Not to be beaten I decided to fill out the feedback form on P & G's website. It was time to go over the head of Duracell and make the parent company aware of my issues. I copied and pasted and sent it of on 26/09/2012. Good thing too for today i received the following reply.....
Dear Mr. Henderson,
Thank you for your email.
It's great to know you enjoy using our products and I'm sorry you've been recently disappointed. I can understand why your party was not a success. We do everything possible to ensure the high quality of our products and I've passed your helpful comments to our Quality Assurance Team.
I hope you'll accept the attached voucher (valid for 3 months) to put towards a future purchase and hope your next party will be satisfactory.
Thank you again for taking the time to get in touch.
CONSUMER RELATIONS DEPARTMENT.
Enclosed £5 voucher of Duracell products
RESULT!! Emailing Duracell seems to have been a waste of time but at least the bigwigs were listening at P&G and once contacted, a speedily reply was made.